I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
