and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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