I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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