we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Randomize
