Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
