she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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