Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
