Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Well I just put wine in my tea
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
