No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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