I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
