that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
