so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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