I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
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