I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
