i just wanna soil my oats bro
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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