Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
