you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
