There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Randomize
