So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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