I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
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