just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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