I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
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