Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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