i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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