I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
