I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
