i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
