I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
