It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
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don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
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It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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