Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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