I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
