Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
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Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
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Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
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