I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Randomize
