very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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