i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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