I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
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