Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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