ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
