Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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