someone threw a dead crab at me
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
How does one acquire holy water?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.