Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
