so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
