I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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