I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
