I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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