Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Why can't burritos get me drunk
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
