Got a toothbrush?
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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