yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
