did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
