i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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