There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
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