My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Randomize
