Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
