so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
