'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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