i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
