Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
should my penis look like a turkey
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
