If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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