so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
