i would punch a child for taco bell
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Randomize
