God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
